FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
