you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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