Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
