I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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