shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize