I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
