What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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