please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I want her autograph on my taint
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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