I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
