mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
