Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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