i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize