Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
