So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
