booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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