the condom got lost in my hair
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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