i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
