you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
