Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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