Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
