it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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