I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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