I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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