I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
