The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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