god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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