don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
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