I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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