Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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