wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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