His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
