I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
