you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
