Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
