Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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