Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize