Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
