Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
