How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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