FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
