You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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