Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
