Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
