she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
