Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
