There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
