The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
