Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
