i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm getting married
To pizza
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
