i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I still have a little drunk in my system
Help. Why am I so naked?
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