Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Randomize